I glanced at my blog’s editorial calendar for this week to see what I had to get done (and what I had missed for the passed 2 weeks). Today marked the day I was going to share our pregnancy announcement with baby #3. Today I was going to be leaving behind the first and heading into the second trimester. Today I was going to finally share the news of our surprise baby and all of the emotions that came with it for the past 2 months. Today is a day I was looking forward to since the minute I wrote it on my calendar.
I quickly closed my planner because the thought of opening my computer to write anything made me want to cry. I prayed. I contemplated. I prayed more, and know that it’s time to share about our loss. It’s time because God’s plan is more perfect than our own, and his timing is always spot on.
God’s plan is always more perfect than our own; this is what we told ourselves and each other over and over again when those two pink lines quickly showed up on the pregnancy test back in early September. We had not planned for Baby #3 (yet) and it was a HUGE shock and total surprise that I was pregnant! In fact, I didn’t believe it…and my husband, a couple of friends and even my dad told me I was pregnant before I even thought to take a test. Without getting into tons of details, I hadn’t had a post-partum cycle after having Lennyn (well, actually, Laikyn…so 2012 was my last), was still nursing AND using contraception. It was a TOTAL surprise and near impossible that I was pregnant. May 2017 – Baby 3 was on the way!
Each day, we got more used to the idea, started to feel excited (and less anxious) and knew that this was all in God’s plan and his perfect timing no matter how shocked, not ready and incredibly nervous we were. I had many thoughts about how this isn’t what we planned, we don’t have enough room for a third, I’m not ready to be pregnant again yet…etc. You can imagine my shock and worry, but ultimately I KNEW that God planned this for me and our family. And who doesn’t love a good surprise? 😉
Fast forward to the next few weeks (and about 24 positive pregnancy tests later just to make sure), I had been to the doctor and gotten used to the idea of being pregnant. I made it through standing in one of my best friend’s wedding with “pretend drinking” and had only told a handful of people about being pregnant again. I prayed so many times for our sweet baby. The girls didn’t know I was pregnant but caught on to us praying for “the baby” and asked lots of questions. In the back of my mind, I had lots of worry – but I thought this was probably just because I knew all of the things that could happen. You know, because, same song – third verse. I’d been through this whole pregnancy thing before, and not too long ago.
I went to my first OB visit and got my HCG levels drawn to see about how far along I could be. They called back and said anywhere from 4-6 weeks, which lined up with the digital tests that I had taken, but we were going to do a dating ultrasound to get an estimated due date to know for sure. A few weeks later, we went for the ultrasound and saw a baby at 6 weeks 1 day – I should have been around 8 weeks according to my dates (in my head) since really we had no way of knowing. They measured and said the baby was too small to detect the heartbeat, and I immediately felt like something was wrong. I left in tears. I told my husband that I just knew in my heart that something was wrong – I had no symptoms of a pregnancy, which is weird because I was SO SO sick with my girls. The doctor texted and told me I had nothing to worry about, that I was just in early pregnancy and since I had no dates to go off of, I shouldn’t worry a bit. I pushed the worry to the back of my mind again and tried not to think about it. We went through the next two (very long) weeks with me starting to have more symptoms and feeling sick and trusting that everything was going to be okay with the baby. After all, this was all God’s plan. God wanted us to have a baby. God surprised us with His plan.
Exactly two weeks later, I geared up for the ultrasound knowing that it could go either way. I left the girls with my mom and walked into the appointment, alone. I knew that it was a possibility to get bad news, but for some reason I was optimistic. I texted my husband when I walked in and got ready for my ultrasound. The sonogram tech was so helpful in telling me what she was doing, measuring and seeing. She checked and double checked measurements…and walked out to get the doctor. My heart sank. I knew what was happening without her saying a thing. The doctor walked in and told me that the baby was not progressing as expected and no fetal heartbeat was detected. Tears rolled down my face as I told them it was okay; I would be fine. Deep down, I knew this was what I was worried about and all of my gut feelings were true.
I quickly jumped to question God because if HE planned this baby for us, why did HE plan to take this baby from us so quickly? I was hurt. Incredibly confused. Riding a rollercoaster of emotions that I just couldn’t think through or understand. My husband was so sweet to try to comfort me over the phone. I couldn’t even talk or look at my mom without bursting into tears, but she just knew when I walked out. Then, I just had to be strong for my girls; I couldn’t let them see me so upset.
The drive home was hard. I knew that there was a baby inside of me that wasn’t growing and already in Heaven. I questioned that if I had just known I was pregnant sooner, I could have done something differently. I worried that I took my birth control pill after I was pregnant and that is what caused it. I worried that I was still breastfeeding and that caused my body to not handle the pregnancy. I questioned everything. I had planned to go to Dallas for my first blogging event the next day. I had planned this wonderful weekend away with my mom and the girls with an amazing stay at a downtown hotel. I was SO excited. I was planning to meet one of my favorite country artists to promote her new fashion line. I was planning on taking cute photos in Dallas to announce my pregnancy to family and friends. I had everything planned. I was planning to do all of this with a growing 10 week gestational baby in my belly.
All of my plans changed in that second. All of my plans, which had not been my plans a month prior, changed…again. Instead, I was planning to have a D&C procedure the next day. Instead, the hospital was calling me for pre-op protocol when I should have been confirming plans with my agency and hotel. Everything changed.
I was so thankful for my mom being with me and able to keep the girls while we went for the day surgery. I felt numb and scared the whole day, although the staff and my doctor were amazing. The procedure was quick, fairly painless and I was glad for it to be over. The next few days were something that I’ll never forget, though.
You see, they say 1 out of 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. That’s 25% of pregnancies that end with miscarriage. That’s a fairly large statistic. I thought that since I had 2 normal and healthy pregnancies, that I was exempt from the statistic. SO many women go through pregnancy loss, but it’s just not shared. It’s not talked about because it hurts. It hurts no matter how long you carried the baby and it hurts to share the emotions. Believe me, this is not easy…but I know, because God is good, that it needs to be shared. The next few days after my surgery, I was depressed. I physically felt terrible. I didn’t want to get out of bed to see my girls or eat. I didn’t want to watch anything on TV or look at my phone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or for anyone to know what happened. I felt like a failure. I spent a lot of time talking to God in these moments, and I know he was healing me. I know because I got a little bit better everyday, and without Him there is no way I’d be sharing this.
It’s been a little over a week since we found out, and each day has brought a new sense of peace. I can actually open my mouth without crying, and talk a little about what I went through out loud. I know that it’s never going to be easy; nothing about the situation is easy, but I know that with time it will get better. I can think of a million things to be thankful for: having 2 healthy and beautiful children, my health, my family…that the miscarriage happened early in my pregnancy rather than after I had felt kicks, named the baby or even made a nursery for the baby to come home to…but that doesn’t make the loss easy. I can be thankful that we hadn’t planned for this baby and longed to have a baby in our arms by a certain date…but that doesn’t make the loss easy. I can be thankful that we were able to have 2 perfect pregnancies before this one and I have children to hug and love….but that doesn’t make the loss easy. I can be thankful that God has a perfect plan for us and we just have to be open to His Will and know that He is God and He is GOOD….but, that doesn’t make the loss easy either. I can be so thankful that this was the first time we had gone through a loss, while so many women go through loss after loss before seeing their rainbow….but, that doesn’t make our loss any easier.
Nothing makes the loss of a child easy. Nothing. No matter how long you carried the baby or how badly you wanted to be pregnant. Nothing makes it easy and nothing changes the fact that you’ve been through a loss. I will forever be changed. I will forever hold my precious baby in my heart and long for the day that I will meet him or her in Heaven. I am deeply compassionate for those who have been through this before, some women – many times, and for those that have fertility struggles. I pray new prayers. I see new things. I know new hurt and I feel new healing. I know that all of this happened because of God’s plan, and I know that He is still working. He knows the desires of our hearts.
I have clung to a few verses in the midst of this heartache:
Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4
The pain that you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the JOY that is coming. – Romans 8:18
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. – John 16:33
Thank you for reading this, I know it was long…raw and probably not the best thing you read today. It wasn’t easy to share. Thank you to everyone who has texted, brought food, sent flowers & sweet things to let me know you’re thinking of us. Your prayers and thoughts mean the world to us, and I promise I can feel the prayers.
If you have been through a situation similar or know someone who has, I would love for you to share our story. I hope to encourage them (and myself) to push through the heartache and keep seeking God’s face in everything we do. If you or someone you know will benefit from reading, please share! God pushed this directly on my heart to share, and as difficult as it was to put my emotions into words, I hope that at least one person can be helped, encouraged or come to know Jesus through our story.